Number 35: People Who Base Their Entire Life On 'Strictly Come Dancing'

It is everywhere. From BBC Breakfast News to Football Focus, Radio 5 Live to The Guardian, there is no escaping the TV programme that cringe-worthy fans insist on calling 'Strictly'. Up and down the country, millions of viewers base their entire lives around the decidedly average adventures of Z-grade celebrities into the world of sequin-wearing, teeth-baring rubbish dancing.

It might sound odd, but I honestly have no interest whatsoever in watching some bloke off Eastenders doing the Cha-Cha with all the grace of scaffolder in a pair of concrete trousers. And yet a nation is smitten. 'Boo' they hiss panto-like at the mean judges who dare to question the ability of the hopeless toe-thudding stiffs. These people, in case you need reminding, are adults, some of them in their 40's, 50's and 60's. Not since the utterly terrible 'Generation Game' or the sickening Saturday night moron-a-thon 'Blind Date' have so many been so excited by such a light entertainment horrorshow.

When is modern television going to start?

Number 34: Media Wailing Over War Heroes

This really is quite simple. If you join the army, there is a very real possibility that one day you might have to go and fight in a war. If you go to fight in a war there is a higher than average possibility that you might get killed. If you don't want to put yourself in this situation, don't join the fucking army.

Well, it seems straightforward enough doesn't it? Not for the asbestos-headed half-wits in the news media it isn't. For the last two or three years, every news outlet from the BBC News to The Daily Star has insisted on being shocked and surprised whenever one of the nations 'hero's' comes home in a bodybag. The people of weird war town Wotton Bassett line the streets in tribute to every single casualty.

For crying out loud, they are soldiers, some of them are going to die, it is one of the defining characteristics of war.

Number 33: Roadworks Without Roadworkers

It is, almost certainly, another privatisation issue.

There you are, driving around the most over-congested and under-funded road network in the world, when suddenly you have your mind blowing pedestrian progress halted by a sign featuring a bloke trying to lift up a giant cheese triangle.

Roadworks are, of course, necessary, especially in the digital age. But the problem is that more often than not you can see a bloody great hole in the concrete but no-one with any intention of filling it in. Presumably, the private contractors that are responsible for maintaining Britain's crumbling roads are interesting in profit and nothing else and couldn't give a damn if this inconveniences millions of already suicidal motorists in the process.

Another great triumph of our Labour Governments' determination to sell-off every public service they possibly can before they leave office, then. The other day it took me the best part of half-an-hour to drive through an enormous 200-metre wide roundabout development, do you know how many people were working on this multi-million pound mega site? Two.

Don't worry, take your time, none of us have got anything better to do.

Number 32: The Public Adoration Of Banksy

The recent exhibition of work by anonymous graffiti everyman Banksy at the city museum and art gallery in Bristol drew in more than 300,000 visitors in just under two months.

In fact, by the time it finished at the end of August, organisers must have been left thinking that it wasn't so much an event as a phenomenon.

The 'Banksy Effect', as it is now being called, injected an estimated £10million into the city's economy with everyone from airport chief executives to hot-dog sellers witnessing an upturn in sales at odds with the downturn in the economy. "Have you been to the Banky exhibition," has become the most asked question of the entire summer. To which I always give the same reply: "No I fucking have not."

The reason for this is simple. Banksy is crap. At best, his oh-so-cheeky addition to the vastly over-rated world of graffiti can be considered lighthearted social commentary. At worst, it is over-simplistic tabloid dribbling foisted on an under-informed public seemingly impressed by anything 'urban' who wouldn't normally set foot in a gallery. What it is not, however, is decent art. If this so-called spray can terrorist was working as a normal artist, he would be an absolute laughing stock. His ideas are simply not interesting enough, unique enough or, indeed, good enough to be taken seriously. And yet the Turner Prize loathing public have formed an almost permanent queue outside his first exhibition, even braving the seemingly endless summer rain to say they were there when this most modern of emperors paraded in his lovely new clothes.

"It's nice to see it's been so popular but it makes me a bit suspicious," said the can-holder himself about the overwhelming public response. He's got that right. Anyone doing anything that can be considered 'creative' should be rightly wary of being so hungrily accepted by a local news media who usually spend the majority of their time covering stories about mysterious cake thefts in small villages in Somerset and any event featuring a fly-over by the Red Arrows. Put it this way: if Banksy was, in any way, challenging, ground-breaking or upsetting to viewers aged 60 and over, BBC Points West wouldn't go anywhere near him.

Somewhere in a graveyard in Rouen, Marcel Duchamp is raising his eyebrows in resignation.

Number 31: Craig David

Otherwise known as the most embarrassing man in Britain. Here is a R&B singer, innit, who actually believes he has genuinely original insights into what he sees as the complex female mind. He thinks they are so good, he builds his songs around them. They usually go something along the lines of this: there's this girl, right. She is hot, natch. She is sitting in a cafe sipping her mocha lite and pretending not to notice how buff Craig David is. But, and here comes the psychological analysis bit, what she is doing and what she really wants are two different things, d'ya get him. I know it's complicated but try to keep up with da man. Now all this is, of course, already the basis for some really stupid rhymes but what Craig likes to do is sing the words really fast so as the ladeez know what he is able to do wiv his tongue. Nice. And this is why Craig David is the Alan Partridge of UK R&B. He didn't even realise Avid Merrion is taking the piss out of him on Bo Selecta! Hilariously, Craig has recently put a few pounds and now looks a bit like Eddy Murphy in one of those terrible films he does where he gets really fat.

Number 30: Too Many Empty Fields

What is the countryside for exactly? The only time I ever seem to see it is when I'm sitting in a car going somewhere quite far away. Like Yate. Or Dorset. And all I ever seem to see is fields, empty fields, loads of empty fields with nothing in them whatsoever, no cows, no sheep, no motorcycle display units, nothing. Why are there so many empty fields in the countryside? Is this what people like about the countryside? Because I reckon they are pretty rubbish really, the empty fields I mean. They aren't even nice fields, they're sort of scruffy, unkempt and look as if they might smell of spilled diesel. Do the farmers who own them ever use them for anything? Or aren't they fussed about them being empty? If I had a few empty fields I reckon I'd turn one into a football pitch with proper size goalposts with nets in and corner flags and just fill the rest with chairs or fridges or something like that. Bastard fucking fields with nothing in them. How crap are they?

Number 29: Media Reporting Of Amy Winehouse And Pete Doherty

You're not going to believe this but according to The Sun, The Mirror, BBC 6 O'clock News, News At Ten, Radio 5Live, TalkSport and about 227 dopey looking twats who work for Heat magazine or its rivals, there are two rock stars living in this country who regularly take drugs. Pete Doherty and Amy Winehouse are the two musicians in question and they have been turned into the nations folk devils of the day. 5Live even broad casted a lengthy interview with Amy's dad recently in which he blamed her boyfriend, predicted her imminent demise and eventually called for the public to stop buying her music. It was the most embarrassing five minutes of last year. For fuck sake, the girl is only 24, she's done a bit of a coke, swallowed a few downers, smoked a bit of crack. The Stones did tonnes of coke, mountains of smack, lakes of Jack Daniels and whole reference libraries of LSD and toured the world for about 25 years. The Happy Monday's gulped down whatever they could, as often as they possibly could, in doses big enough to flatten entire herds of elephants. It may come as a surprise to the 3am Girls, or whatever they are fucking called, but drugs have played quite a significant role in the history of music. In fact, every single artist who has ever been any good has taken drugs. Charlie Parker? Horse. Hank Williams? Speed. The Stooges? Everything. Bowie? Coke. Stone Roses? E. Bright Eyes? Lots. Do you know who they wheeled out as 'fellow musicians' of Amy Winehouse on News At Ten the other night? Bastard sodding Westlife. Now they are a reason to take drugs if ever I saw one. As for Pete Doherty, the only reason the tabloid press are interested in him is because he went out with Kate Moss. I listened to some red top hack telling Sky News what a disgrace Doherty is and how he should be locked up immediately. Hey fuckwit, he shouldn't even be on your radar, how dare you enter his more culturally sophisticated universe and start laying down the law? Now get out and shut the door behind you.